Last Friday Night

I almost didn't make it to this dinner because I was feeling miserable over the unsolicited comment of Reymond's good friend. I wanted to just stay home and cry as I did the whole day when I was told that I kept on going out despite the fact that I am a recent widow. But then I thought, why allow this person and the rest of those insensitive people who have made the exact same comment dictate what I should do with my life? I couldn't allow it and so I went out yet again despite the fact that it could open the floodgates for more unsolicited comments on how much 'fun' I was having.

It turned out to be a great evening spent with old college friends and their partners. This group of people all have their flaws and shortcomings. We all do. They however do not judge how I deal with my new status. We have 3 single moms, a widow (ehem), a single dad and a married couple who, despite having a solid relationship, have their own share of ups and downs. We all have our imperfections but thankfully, we can all find solace and comfort in one another. God really has his ways. He knew I was hurting and so he allowed me to bond with these people on this particular night. He knew I needed to be in the company of people who are not judgmental, not righteous, not critical and who could accept the broken me without hesitation.

Reymond, I know you're watching me from above. I know you see me. I know you are proud of me as I am of you. Please continue to protect me. Make me strong. I need to be strong for our children. There are still many years ahead and I need to prepare myself for the long journey. I hope you will keep me safe and sane. I continue to pray for healing and acceptance. I pray that it comes soon.  

On My Own Terms

I received a very disturbing message from a good friend of Reymond. They were inviting me out for dinner but I had to decline because I had already made previous plans with another group. Besides, they cancelled on me days before and so I didn't think they would take it against me if I declined their last minute invite. 

To my horror, Reymond's friend jokingly reprimanded me and said, and I quote, "labas ka ng labas ha." When I explained, he then called me "defensive."I didn't know what to make of this comment. Was he trying to be funny? Was he serious? Or was he just clueless?

Truth be told, he is not the first person to make that comment to me. A number of people have said that I have been going out too often, I pay too much attention to how I look and I have been seen in public regularly since Reymond passed away. These people have made the exact same comment to me and for the first few times, I let it slide. Last comment I received though, I wasn't going to let it slide anymore.

People grieve in different ways. They do whatever it takes to survive their grief and people are not always understanding and accepting of those ways. I enjoy being in the company of my family and friends. I enjoy dressing up and talking fashion with my girlfriends. I especially enjoy eating out in restaurants and going out of town when I can. This was me before Reymond died and I don't see why people are now taking it against me. 

Is it because I'm supposed to look sick? Am I supposed to look like I've been crying the whole day? Am I not supposed to put make up on? Am I not supposed to be seen in the company of friends? Please tell me. I'm a novice and so this is really all new to me. If I am offending any of your sensibilities, you are always free to tell me. But forgive me if I don't take lightly to your comments.

I know how much I love Reymond. I know how much pain his death caused me. I know that I have to live the rest of my life hurting -- maybe not as much as today but the hurt will always be with me. I don't have to remind myself everyday and prove that to anyone by looking the part. I don't need to show anyone my grief by posting pictures of the nights I cry myself to sleep or on the days I just break down over nothing.

I am trying my best to deal with the cards I've been given so please forgive me if you think I am not honoring your friend. You may be hurting as well. We all are. But don't add to our grief by questioning how I am handling his death. You don't know how I grieve. You have no idea how much pain and suffering I am going through. Do not judge me because you have no idea. I grieve as much as you do and maybe even more because I made a vow to love Reymond forever. He was supposed to be with me forever and I'm still coming to terms with his abrupt departure.

So please, please be kind with your words. Please think before you say anything to me -- whether jokingly or not. Your words hurt and I can only handle so much. Don't belittle my efforts. We are all hurting and so we should all just be accepting of one another.  

MELTDOWN

Photo shown here was the set-up during Reymond's funeral mass at PATTS. On that day, for some reason, I did not shed a tear. A number of people found it odd that the widow was still smiling but no tears came on that day. I can't explain why and it still baffles me to this day.

I come to work today to attend the taping of a televised mass which will be shown this Sunday, Father's Day. When I step into the Penthouse, the stage had the exact same set-up sans Reymond's bike and urn. The minute I saw it, tears started falling uncontrollably. I tried my best to stop crying but the tears just kept falling. 

By the time I was supposed to say the prayers of the faithful, I was an absolute wreck. My voice was shaking and the tears still kept falling. I couldn't even read the prayers anymore! Unbelievable. I don't recall ever having a meltdown like that in the past three months. This is the most I've cried -- and it just had to be in the company of 300 strangers/students. Pathetic. I was so angry at myself for losing my composure. 

The rest of the day was spent (doing  nothing else but) crying!!! Wow, it was tiring and I was so emotionally spent. By the end, my eyes were almost closed shut. It was that swollen. :( 

When I got to the car, I cried yet again. I had to concentrate coz I could hardly see the road anymore with my blurry vision. I was just a wreck today. Not my finest hour. 

Dear Lord, please make the tears stop. Reymond, please keep me strong. I can't always be tough, cool and gracious. I guess we all have our off-days. 

Back in Baguio

The week before Reymond passed away, we were in Baguio where Reymond spent three days climbing the roads of Marcos Highway, Ambuklao and Halsema. Photo here shows one of the steep roads he had to traverse in order to complete this ride. It was a glorious 3 days of biking for him and his biking pals and he enjoyed this adventure immensely. He left on a Thursday with our daughters (his visa to leave the house!) but I had to stay on for work until Friday. For the love of Reymond, I rode on a bus to Baguio Friday evening and was able to catch him before his second ride out that Saturday. It was important for me to be there during his rides -- especially one as risky and dangerous as this. After his Xterra accident in October, I swore never to leave him during any of his races. Although this was not a race, its roads and terrain were enough to put me on that bus. I was determined to be there no matter what.

He died the week after this epic Baguio ride. Of course we cannot help it if people have their own opinions about what happened to Reymond. Some say that the stress of the ride the week before was too much and that he was over fatigued. Maybe. I don't know and I don't think anyone can actually say it with certainty. All I know is that he loved Baguio and that I'm sure he was glad to have conquered its roads before he passed away. 

Fast forward to 13 weeks after March 10. My daughter Annika is invited by her CISV Chapter to have a despedida in BAGUIO. I really wasn't too sure how I would react to being there again. I prayed and I asked God for strength and grace. True enough, he heard my prayer.

Good friend Marissa, who is Baguio based, made sure that I would have only good and happy memories on this trip to Baguio. She made the extra effort of making sure I was never in a situation where I would be sad or defenceless. She saved me so much heartache and I'm hoping I can repay her soon. She is my rock in Baguio and I will always keep coming back there because of her. As if that isn't luck enough, my other pal Maggs also lives in Baguio. Both keep me sane and I will always have great memories of Baguio because of them.

It was also my first 'vacation' Post-Reymond. I could not have chosen a better place to unwind. Four days of pure bliss. I was so happy to be free from the stress of work. It also gave me time to just enjoy doing nothing. I absolutely loved this particular trip.

It was great to be back in Baguio.

Tri-Girlfriends

Last night, I had dinner with a special group of women. I call them Reymond's Tri-Angels. Day in and day out, Reymond would pester them for anything tri-related. They were always a constant presence in Reymond's tri-life.

Reymond was always so close to women in general. In the beginning of our marriage, I would get jealous of his closeness but later on, I realized that this was just how he was. He treated his girl friends exactly how he would treat his guy friends. He never saw the difference in gender! Haha! I don't have close guy friends and so I could never understand how he could have close girl friends. But he just did! These ladies are just a few of those that he had. 

To my right is Michelle. She is our teammate and was with us the whole day before Reymond passed away. She is a childhood friend and her hubby Bambi was Reymond's running idol. When she found out about Reymond, she was in disbelief. How could someone who appeared so strong the day before his race die? It was just so impossible for her. We were even trying to convince her to stay and watch us but she and Bambi had to go home to watch their son's game. She may not have been in Subic that day but she has been in constant touch with me since March 10. She is one of the few who I can count on to listen to my random everyday thoughts and not feel like I'm imposing. 

To my left is Tricia. Reymond got close to her and her hubby Guy around 2010. She is Reymond's text pal and phone pal. I swear, he calls Tricia more often than Guy! They love training together, exchanging tri tips and gossip (hehe), comparing nutrition notes or simply  hanging out during races and post-race parties. Despite our relatively new friendship, these two travelled to Hong Kong on a whim last September to spend what would be Reymond's last birthday with us. Such a fun, unforgettable adventure we had -- to be cherished forever! Tricia was at the finish line when she heard of Reymond's passing. I even remember vividly when I saw Guy at the Subic Hospital and how distraught he looked. Sad, sad day. I'm comfortedthough to still have her and Guy as friends even if their pal Reymond is no longer around. 

In white is Lara. Reymond met her the same time she met Tricia and Guy. They would be doing their first 70.3 together in Camsur that year and so they shared a lot of 'firsts' as triathletes. Reymond loved Lara's energy, positivity and all around happy vibe. She was the female version of Reymond! Always game, warm to all and was not afraid to make new friends. Lara was one of the first to reach out to me after he passed. We have been in constant touch since then. In fact, we have been in touch more often than usual nowadays because she is planning to write an article on Reymond. I am so very touched by this gesture. 

Last but not the least is Yvonne. The most taray of them all! Haha! When Reymond started getting close to her, I was not thrilled. I told Reymond, "she never smiles and she hardly talks to me." My gosh, we've come a long way since. Reymond was so dependent on Yvonne for everything. He needed to clear everything with her. Haha! I really cannot stop smiling when I think of how my perception of Yvonne has changed over the years. She is reserved, cautious and wary of strangers. She really chooses who she talks to and hangs out with. So you can just imagine my surprise at how two people with seemingly different personalities can get along so well. But they did! We loved hanging out with Yvonne and her hubby Glenn! We tried our best to convince them to race with us in Subic but it was not meant to be. Yvonne may not have been there with us that day but she has been with me (and looked out for me!)  since March 10. There is not a day that passes that she does not call, text, fb or instagram me.   I am so happy to call her a friend. 

So ain't I the lucky one? Reymond's Tri-Angels are now my dearest, most cherished Tri-Girlfriends. Even after Reymond left me, he made sure I would be surrounded with great friends. Lucky I tell you.

First

Last Saturday, I rode my bike again for the first time since March 10. 

I did 27 kilometers around the village -- that's two loops plus a short visit to Reymond.

I hate to admit it but it actually felt good to be on a bike again. I felt the wind on my face and the whole process came so naturally to me.

It helps too that the bike was Reymond's last gift to me. He got me a SEVEN which is a bike that is made in Boston. His old group set was transferred to my bike and he even got me a compact crank (?) the Thursday before he passed away. It was like he was preparing me for when he would finally leave. He wanted me to have the best bike possible and of course, one that was symbolic of our life in Boston. 

All his bikes have already been disposed of. They were just too expensive to be kept around the house for decorative purposes. It hurt to let them go but it hurt more to see them unused. But my SEVEN, I will never ever dispose of. This is Reymond's legacy to me. I will cherish this bike forever.