MELTDOWN

Photo shown here was the set-up during Reymond's funeral mass at PATTS. On that day, for some reason, I did not shed a tear. A number of people found it odd that the widow was still smiling but no tears came on that day. I can't explain why and it still baffles me to this day.

I come to work today to attend the taping of a televised mass which will be shown this Sunday, Father's Day. When I step into the Penthouse, the stage had the exact same set-up sans Reymond's bike and urn. The minute I saw it, tears started falling uncontrollably. I tried my best to stop crying but the tears just kept falling. 

By the time I was supposed to say the prayers of the faithful, I was an absolute wreck. My voice was shaking and the tears still kept falling. I couldn't even read the prayers anymore! Unbelievable. I don't recall ever having a meltdown like that in the past three months. This is the most I've cried -- and it just had to be in the company of 300 strangers/students. Pathetic. I was so angry at myself for losing my composure. 

The rest of the day was spent (doing  nothing else but) crying!!! Wow, it was tiring and I was so emotionally spent. By the end, my eyes were almost closed shut. It was that swollen. :( 

When I got to the car, I cried yet again. I had to concentrate coz I could hardly see the road anymore with my blurry vision. I was just a wreck today. Not my finest hour. 

Dear Lord, please make the tears stop. Reymond, please keep me strong. I can't always be tough, cool and gracious. I guess we all have our off-days.