42

Reymond was supposed to turn a year older last September 2. He would've been 42. He was strong, fit and so very young. He was at the prime of his life. He had everything to live for and a bright future ahead. We were supposed to start building our dream home. All the plans were done. The Monday after he passed away, we were supposed to go to the bank to finalize our bank loan. Ang dami pa dapat na mangyari pero hindi nangyari. Bakit ganun? I'm left with all this what ifs and what could've been. No matter how much I try to rationalize things, it just goes back to bakit ganun. There is just nothing that can answer my one hundred and one questions, doubts and endless debates in my mind.

I sound so bitter. I really am. Despite all the smiley faces and thumbs up emoticons I display, there really is an emptiness and a void that cannot be filled right now. I guess I just have to ride it out. This too shall pass. And so they say.

Happy Birthday, Reymond. Sorry for being selfish today. I know you're happy where you are but I can't help wishing you were still here with me. You and I -- it just makes so much sense. Me alone -- it's so terribly depressing but it's the reality I have to live with now. 

Despite all my negativity, I know Reymond is smiling down on me. He feels no pain. He is at peace. He is free. He can now swim with the sharks, bike at breakneck speed and run like the wind. That is heaven for him. And who am I to deny him such happiness? 

So despite feeling my usual sluggish self, I set out to run on his special day. It's not something I wanted to do but I knew it made Reymond happy to see me start running again. 

True enough, it felt good to hit that pavement after 6 months of nothingness. I was huffing and panting but I was able to finish my 5km (lame) run without a hitch. I'm actually looking forward to running more. Maybe not as long or as far as I used to but at least enough to feel that wind on my face again. It's when I feel closest to Reymond and so I don't think I can ever really give it up. Nor would I want to. Much to the dismay of my BFF Maja. Heehee. She is rolling her eyes as she reads this.