Curves

My last race before yesterday's Jumblethon was Tri United 1, the race where I lost Reymond. Although yesterday's race was supposed to be 'fun', it really meant a lot to me given all the mixed emotions that came with participating. I was excited to be with my teammates yet scared because I was 'racing' again. I didn't know how I would react to the race conditions.

Good thing I had my teammates with me to keep me company. We lovingly refer to ourselves as the ANST Curves. From the get go, I was told that it would be my race to finish. The Curves would be with me all the way. If I wanted to stop, we would all stop. Gosh, imagine the pressure on me!

We finished the race without a hitch. No one got left behind. We started this race together and we finished it together. What a glorious Sunday!

Thank you for going the distance with me, Curves. I will cherish this 'first' race always.

Darling, I know you expected more from me. I bet you were so upset when I walked during the run. Haha! Despite my perceived lack of aggressiveness, I want you to know that it was done lovingly and sincerely. I want to continue to honor your legacy and I believe this is the best way how. I will never be podium worthy but I will always give it my 100% effort.

Sharing with you the video our teammate Mark did. It is a beautiful story of friendship, love, strength, courage and never leaving anyone behind.

Anna

First it was Rocio. Now it's Anna.

Today I received a most intriguing friend invite and message on FB. It was from Anna, a person I've been stalking on Facebook. Heehee. Stalking eh.

Anyway, I first heard about her from triathlon friends. She is a widow like me. Although the circumstances of her husband's death are very different from Reymond's, we both share the pain from the loss of a loved one. I've always wanted to get in touch with her to talk but was so afraid that talking to me might make her feel pain and hurt all over again. I didn't want to be selfish. It had been more than a year for her and so I wasn't really sure if she would want to talk to another widow whose pain and grief was still so fresh. 

So imagine my surprise when I received that invite and message from her. I was happy. Is it the right emotion? Not too sure about that but it made me smile to see her on my inbox. I wanted so much to reach out to her and then the opportunity presented itself to me. I'm so very lucky she had the guts to reach out to me when I was too chicken to take that chance. 

We have already exchanged a number of messages on FB. As if we were old friends. Strange but I feel so connected to her and somehow, it comforts me. Can't explain why. It just does.

We might finally get to meet at a race on Sept. 22. I am so looking forward to that. We have also earmarked our one on one dinner date at the end of the month. So looking forward to that as well. 

Today is a significant day not only because I found Anna but because it is six months today since Reymond passed away. I'm still standing! And I am making new friends. He would be so proud. 

Almost Paradise

Most of the trips I've taken since March have either been with my family, my children or for work. I've always wanted to get away by myself but was never able to find the opportunity. Up until now.

Good friend Ditas is leaving in October to migrate with her hubby Abner and adorbs son Tino. Coincidentally, it was Reymond who introduced the lovebirds back in 2009. But I digress. 

Anyway, since Ditas is migrating, her bestie Yvette decided to organize a trip for her as a last hurrah before she leaves. We fondly called our adventure #despeditas. 

We were joined by Rizza, Coleen, Maricel and together, we explored the beautiful island of Balesin. It was really one of my best trips ever. I had nothing else to think of but where my next picture should be. Heehee. And what I should wear, where should we eat, what to drink, etc etc. Selfish yet again but sometimes, you need selfish in your life. I think if there's any time to be selfish in my life, now would be a great time. 

Balesin was such a welcome respite for me. I feel so rejuvenated. I can't wait to get back there again. Beautiful island with such beautiful friends = an unforgettable experience.

I know it was your birthday, Reymond, and you should be the one receiving presents but thank you for such a wonderful gift. Thank you for making it all come together for me. Thank you for giving me this alone time. It was a little short of perfect (departure then turn around -- haaaaay) but it came pretty darn close to it. 

I am also so thankful for this opportunity to be with girlfriends in one of the most breathtaking backdrops ever. I cannot say enough about Paradise. Hoping to return again soon. 

42

Reymond was supposed to turn a year older last September 2. He would've been 42. He was strong, fit and so very young. He was at the prime of his life. He had everything to live for and a bright future ahead. We were supposed to start building our dream home. All the plans were done. The Monday after he passed away, we were supposed to go to the bank to finalize our bank loan. Ang dami pa dapat na mangyari pero hindi nangyari. Bakit ganun? I'm left with all this what ifs and what could've been. No matter how much I try to rationalize things, it just goes back to bakit ganun. There is just nothing that can answer my one hundred and one questions, doubts and endless debates in my mind.

I sound so bitter. I really am. Despite all the smiley faces and thumbs up emoticons I display, there really is an emptiness and a void that cannot be filled right now. I guess I just have to ride it out. This too shall pass. And so they say.

Happy Birthday, Reymond. Sorry for being selfish today. I know you're happy where you are but I can't help wishing you were still here with me. You and I -- it just makes so much sense. Me alone -- it's so terribly depressing but it's the reality I have to live with now. 

Despite all my negativity, I know Reymond is smiling down on me. He feels no pain. He is at peace. He is free. He can now swim with the sharks, bike at breakneck speed and run like the wind. That is heaven for him. And who am I to deny him such happiness? 

So despite feeling my usual sluggish self, I set out to run on his special day. It's not something I wanted to do but I knew it made Reymond happy to see me start running again. 

True enough, it felt good to hit that pavement after 6 months of nothingness. I was huffing and panting but I was able to finish my 5km (lame) run without a hitch. I'm actually looking forward to running more. Maybe not as long or as far as I used to but at least enough to feel that wind on my face again. It's when I feel closest to Reymond and so I don't think I can ever really give it up. Nor would I want to. Much to the dismay of my BFF Maja. Heehee. She is rolling her eyes as she reads this.

This Time Last Year

Reymond and I spent his 41st birthday last year in one of our favorite cities ... Hong Kong. It was one of many date trips we had during our marriage. The girls were not with us, we had no family and friends joining us and we also had no set agenda. We only had one objective -- to eat in places we had never been to in the past. Believe it or not, we achieved our goal! All the restaurants we ate at were new to us! Ippudo, Butao, Yardbird, Maxim's (City Hall), Yung Kee, Delicious Kitchen -- I'm salivating as I type! It was a glorious, one of a kind adventure and we really had a grand time. Little did I know, it would be Reymond's last birthday celebration with me.

I'm having that sad realization right now. When Mom asked me to join her for a business trip, I didn't realize that trip would fall on the exact same weekend of Reymond's birthday. I didn't really think things through. I just said yes because I knew Mom couldn't travel by herself. I wanted to be of assistance to her not thinking I would be the one that needed help this weekend. 

She is upset with me right now. My baby brother was trying to be helpful by warning my mom about my emotional state but the whole thing backfired. She asks me why I didn't tell her earlier. How was I to know I would be in such turmoil the day before leaving?

It's really a no-win situation. I'm being asked to make a decision because there is money involved. I wish people would think more about how this is all affecting me instead of how much would be lost if I don't go. 

If Reymond were here, he would hug me and reassure me that everything would be okay. He always had the calming effect on my constant negativity. He could solve any problem, make all my worries go away. But he's not here now and I can't seem to make sense of the situation I find myself in. I'm hurt, confused, disoriented and so very sad. I feel so alone. 

How I wish you were here, Darling. You would make everything alright like you always do. 

I miss you so much. Almost six months and I'm nowhere close to normal. 

Ironman 70.3 Cebu - 2013 edition

Everybody and Anybody I know from the Tri Community is Cebu bound this weekend -- everyone except me.

Reymond was supposed to do the individual event while I was supposed to do the bike relay. Reymond was upset that I was once again doing a relay event albeit a different discipline from the past two relays. I've already completed the 1.9k swim (2010) and the 21k run (2012). It would've been a trifecta for me! Done all the disciplines -- I just haven't done it all together. It was Reymond's dream to have me do the individual. I think about it sometimes but not too often. Haha! There was already one serious triathlete in the family and so I didn't think of getting too serious about the sport. With Reymond's death, everyone around me NOT from the triathlon world is deftly afraid of me joining any races, more so a 70.3 event. Haaaaay. I don't know what the future holds and I really can't tell if I really will have the guts to compete in the individual event anytime soon. Just like Reymond, that remains a dream for me. But imagine, despite what happened to Reymond, I still think about it. Isn't that weird??!! 

In the meantime, this weekend will prove quite stressful for me. A number of Reymond's friends and our close friends will be competing. My brothers also formed a relay team and they will be in Cebu this weekend. Stresssssss.

I've already commissioned my girlfriend Maja to get me drunk on Saturday and make sure I wake up anytime after noon on Sunday. Otherwise, I will be a wreck. Let's wish her luck!!!

Back to Basics

I swam today. It was the first time for me to be back in the water after Reymond. It was so liberating. 2,000 meters and it didn't feel like I was absent for 5 months. Yes, sigh. By August 10, it would've been five months already.

Swimming is actually my first love. When I was younger, I would swim everyday. I would join inter-club and age-group competitions. The water was my second home. But when I developed skin problems, I quit cold turkey. At 14, my skin was more important than swimming. Especially to the boys. LOL. 

Fast forward to 2009. Reymond had already gotten me into cycling which he started doing in 2005. From cycling, he wanted to progress to triathlon. Since he knew I was a swimmer, it was easy to convince me. I just had to learn how to run. He however only knew how to float. He had to swim from scratch! In October of that year, he willed himself to finish the NAGT Speedo Tri despite getting out of the water near last. It was both our first tri. 

By 2010, he was already thinking of Ironman in Camsur but was hesitant about the swim. I was able to convince him na relay muna. "Ok, but who's gonna swim? Hon, will you do it for me?" Sigh. Those of you who know me -- you know I could not refuse Mr. Cruz. So I swam, Reymond biked and my baby brother ran. Thus began his love affair with Ironman. Reymond and my baby brother went on to conquer the individual events in 2011 and 2012 while I was happy simply doing relays and training with him. 

His last race was actually only my second individual triathlon. The first being the pool tri in 2009. All relays in between! TU1 in Subic was my first open water individual tri. Reymond was so excited and anxious. He would've been proud of my finish. 

But I digress. This was supposed to be a swimming post! So yes, close to five months after Reymond's death, I'm back in the water again. Scary but it just feels so right. I feel close to Reymond in the water. It keeps his memory alive. Is that such a bad thing? 

I've recently registered for an open water swim race taking place this September. Haven't told my family and friends. Only my brothers and teammates. Hmmmm. How to tell my daughters. I pray they will understand the need for me to train, to still race despite Reymond's death. 

Reymond, how do I tell the girls? Pls give me strength.