2014

Happy New Year! 

2014 represents so much for me. It means I can leave the past year behind and start fresh again. The worst is over and I just have to continue looking forward. 

To start my year fresh, I've decided to do a little spring cleaning. 

I've been keeping a journal for the past 12 years. I've documented everyday of my life since 2002. Since Reymond passed, I've made it a hobby to look at them daily. Some days I'd laugh but most days, reading them made me extremely sad and depressed. It didn't help much that the journals were on the left drawer of my office desk. It was very accessible to me and that's why out of habit, I'd go through them everyday. 

Today, for some reason, I wanted to keep them. Somewhere still close but maybe not as accessible. I picked up all thirteen of them (2007 has two -- one for the office and one for the house) and put them in a safe. Locked and sealed. I will always have access to them but it will now be an effort for me to pick one up and read. 

I know this is yet another step for me in my journey to healing and recovery. I still have a long way to go but I know that someday soon, all the hurt and pain and suffering I'm feeling now will be but a distant memory. 

I hope you will all still be with me on my journey this 2014. 

Here's to a better year! 

Blogging Less

It's been almost a month since my last entry. I keep trying to figure out why I don't update my blog that often. Is it for lack of interest? Lack of interesting topics? Or just plain lack of energy (i.e. tamad)? It's definitely not because I think of Reymond any less than I used to. He is in my thoughts constantly. When I wake up in the morning, I always secretly wish it was the morning of March 10. I would pretend to be sick and we wouldn't have gone to that race. He would still be with me. Ganun ba yon? I don't know. I'll never know. 

Three weeks ago, the kids and I were in Boracay. It was a happy time for the girls. They were oblivious to the constant panic attacks I was having just being there.

Boracay is special to me and Reymond. We visited the island numerous times during our 13-year marriage. It was a happy place for us. Being there made me feel oh so miserable. It was almost unbearable. 

Thankfully though, the girls were there to make sure I smiled. How lucky I am to have these precious reminders of Reymond. I don't think I would survive without them. They keep me sane. 

Just last week, I brought the girls to Dubai for their semestral break. Now that's a different story! 

Reymond and I had never been to Dubai together. I went there once in 2007. I even have extensive blog posts on my trip there (click on Blog Archives - November 2007) and so Dubai was a memory all my own. I was so happy to be there with the kids. They were just as happy and we made great new memories there. Just the three of us. 

So I guess that's the reason I've been blogging less. I've been living life. Trying to make the most out of the situation I find myself in. Trying to make a new life for me and the girls. Trying to move on for the sake of the girls. 

I'll probably blog even less but it doesn't change how I feel. I am still in a daze. Still wandering through life but trying my best to keep my head above water, my feet on the ground. All for the sake of my children.

Maui on my Mind

This time last year, Reymond was in Maui competing at the 2012 Xterra World Championships. He was joined by new and old friends alike. Despite a nasty fall, a contusion, bruises and cuts all over his arms, legs and rib area, he claims to have had the time of his life. So typical. How I wish I had joined him on that trip. It's one of the few times we were ever apart during our marriage. Sigh. 

I found this blog entry through my friend Mandy. It was written by a dear tri friend, Joyette Jopson. Joyette met Reymond at the Tour of Hope in 2011 and they have been fast friends since. Joyette has had her share of painful losses and so she was one of the first to reach out to me when Reymond passed. She offered a sympathetic hug and told me things will be okay. I really truly believe her. After seeing her and her brother Noy weather the loss of their own father, I knew my girls would survive. I hope and pray that my girls will be as strong-willed and determined as Joyette and Noy. 

This blog entry was written last month but the championships will be on October 27. If Reymond were alive, he would be finding a way to get to Maui! That's just how he is, that's just how he's built. 

Happy Tuesday! Happy Reading! 

http://thelittleagegrouper.blogspot.com/2013/08/tlags-travel-tips-for-xterra-maui-bound.html?m=1

Curves

My last race before yesterday's Jumblethon was Tri United 1, the race where I lost Reymond. Although yesterday's race was supposed to be 'fun', it really meant a lot to me given all the mixed emotions that came with participating. I was excited to be with my teammates yet scared because I was 'racing' again. I didn't know how I would react to the race conditions.

Good thing I had my teammates with me to keep me company. We lovingly refer to ourselves as the ANST Curves. From the get go, I was told that it would be my race to finish. The Curves would be with me all the way. If I wanted to stop, we would all stop. Gosh, imagine the pressure on me!

We finished the race without a hitch. No one got left behind. We started this race together and we finished it together. What a glorious Sunday!

Thank you for going the distance with me, Curves. I will cherish this 'first' race always.

Darling, I know you expected more from me. I bet you were so upset when I walked during the run. Haha! Despite my perceived lack of aggressiveness, I want you to know that it was done lovingly and sincerely. I want to continue to honor your legacy and I believe this is the best way how. I will never be podium worthy but I will always give it my 100% effort.

Sharing with you the video our teammate Mark did. It is a beautiful story of friendship, love, strength, courage and never leaving anyone behind.

Anna

First it was Rocio. Now it's Anna.

Today I received a most intriguing friend invite and message on FB. It was from Anna, a person I've been stalking on Facebook. Heehee. Stalking eh.

Anyway, I first heard about her from triathlon friends. She is a widow like me. Although the circumstances of her husband's death are very different from Reymond's, we both share the pain from the loss of a loved one. I've always wanted to get in touch with her to talk but was so afraid that talking to me might make her feel pain and hurt all over again. I didn't want to be selfish. It had been more than a year for her and so I wasn't really sure if she would want to talk to another widow whose pain and grief was still so fresh. 

So imagine my surprise when I received that invite and message from her. I was happy. Is it the right emotion? Not too sure about that but it made me smile to see her on my inbox. I wanted so much to reach out to her and then the opportunity presented itself to me. I'm so very lucky she had the guts to reach out to me when I was too chicken to take that chance. 

We have already exchanged a number of messages on FB. As if we were old friends. Strange but I feel so connected to her and somehow, it comforts me. Can't explain why. It just does.

We might finally get to meet at a race on Sept. 22. I am so looking forward to that. We have also earmarked our one on one dinner date at the end of the month. So looking forward to that as well. 

Today is a significant day not only because I found Anna but because it is six months today since Reymond passed away. I'm still standing! And I am making new friends. He would be so proud. 

Almost Paradise

Most of the trips I've taken since March have either been with my family, my children or for work. I've always wanted to get away by myself but was never able to find the opportunity. Up until now.

Good friend Ditas is leaving in October to migrate with her hubby Abner and adorbs son Tino. Coincidentally, it was Reymond who introduced the lovebirds back in 2009. But I digress. 

Anyway, since Ditas is migrating, her bestie Yvette decided to organize a trip for her as a last hurrah before she leaves. We fondly called our adventure #despeditas. 

We were joined by Rizza, Coleen, Maricel and together, we explored the beautiful island of Balesin. It was really one of my best trips ever. I had nothing else to think of but where my next picture should be. Heehee. And what I should wear, where should we eat, what to drink, etc etc. Selfish yet again but sometimes, you need selfish in your life. I think if there's any time to be selfish in my life, now would be a great time. 

Balesin was such a welcome respite for me. I feel so rejuvenated. I can't wait to get back there again. Beautiful island with such beautiful friends = an unforgettable experience.

I know it was your birthday, Reymond, and you should be the one receiving presents but thank you for such a wonderful gift. Thank you for making it all come together for me. Thank you for giving me this alone time. It was a little short of perfect (departure then turn around -- haaaaay) but it came pretty darn close to it. 

I am also so thankful for this opportunity to be with girlfriends in one of the most breathtaking backdrops ever. I cannot say enough about Paradise. Hoping to return again soon. 

42

Reymond was supposed to turn a year older last September 2. He would've been 42. He was strong, fit and so very young. He was at the prime of his life. He had everything to live for and a bright future ahead. We were supposed to start building our dream home. All the plans were done. The Monday after he passed away, we were supposed to go to the bank to finalize our bank loan. Ang dami pa dapat na mangyari pero hindi nangyari. Bakit ganun? I'm left with all this what ifs and what could've been. No matter how much I try to rationalize things, it just goes back to bakit ganun. There is just nothing that can answer my one hundred and one questions, doubts and endless debates in my mind.

I sound so bitter. I really am. Despite all the smiley faces and thumbs up emoticons I display, there really is an emptiness and a void that cannot be filled right now. I guess I just have to ride it out. This too shall pass. And so they say.

Happy Birthday, Reymond. Sorry for being selfish today. I know you're happy where you are but I can't help wishing you were still here with me. You and I -- it just makes so much sense. Me alone -- it's so terribly depressing but it's the reality I have to live with now. 

Despite all my negativity, I know Reymond is smiling down on me. He feels no pain. He is at peace. He is free. He can now swim with the sharks, bike at breakneck speed and run like the wind. That is heaven for him. And who am I to deny him such happiness? 

So despite feeling my usual sluggish self, I set out to run on his special day. It's not something I wanted to do but I knew it made Reymond happy to see me start running again. 

True enough, it felt good to hit that pavement after 6 months of nothingness. I was huffing and panting but I was able to finish my 5km (lame) run without a hitch. I'm actually looking forward to running more. Maybe not as long or as far as I used to but at least enough to feel that wind on my face again. It's when I feel closest to Reymond and so I don't think I can ever really give it up. Nor would I want to. Much to the dismay of my BFF Maja. Heehee. She is rolling her eyes as she reads this.