Blogging Less

It's been almost a month since my last entry. I keep trying to figure out why I don't update my blog that often. Is it for lack of interest? Lack of interesting topics? Or just plain lack of energy (i.e. tamad)? It's definitely not because I think of Reymond any less than I used to. He is in my thoughts constantly. When I wake up in the morning, I always secretly wish it was the morning of March 10. I would pretend to be sick and we wouldn't have gone to that race. He would still be with me. Ganun ba yon? I don't know. I'll never know. 

Three weeks ago, the kids and I were in Boracay. It was a happy time for the girls. They were oblivious to the constant panic attacks I was having just being there.

Boracay is special to me and Reymond. We visited the island numerous times during our 13-year marriage. It was a happy place for us. Being there made me feel oh so miserable. It was almost unbearable. 

Thankfully though, the girls were there to make sure I smiled. How lucky I am to have these precious reminders of Reymond. I don't think I would survive without them. They keep me sane. 

Just last week, I brought the girls to Dubai for their semestral break. Now that's a different story! 

Reymond and I had never been to Dubai together. I went there once in 2007. I even have extensive blog posts on my trip there (click on Blog Archives - November 2007) and so Dubai was a memory all my own. I was so happy to be there with the kids. They were just as happy and we made great new memories there. Just the three of us. 

So I guess that's the reason I've been blogging less. I've been living life. Trying to make the most out of the situation I find myself in. Trying to make a new life for me and the girls. Trying to move on for the sake of the girls. 

I'll probably blog even less but it doesn't change how I feel. I am still in a daze. Still wandering through life but trying my best to keep my head above water, my feet on the ground. All for the sake of my children.

Maui on my Mind

This time last year, Reymond was in Maui competing at the 2012 Xterra World Championships. He was joined by new and old friends alike. Despite a nasty fall, a contusion, bruises and cuts all over his arms, legs and rib area, he claims to have had the time of his life. So typical. How I wish I had joined him on that trip. It's one of the few times we were ever apart during our marriage. Sigh. 

I found this blog entry through my friend Mandy. It was written by a dear tri friend, Joyette Jopson. Joyette met Reymond at the Tour of Hope in 2011 and they have been fast friends since. Joyette has had her share of painful losses and so she was one of the first to reach out to me when Reymond passed. She offered a sympathetic hug and told me things will be okay. I really truly believe her. After seeing her and her brother Noy weather the loss of their own father, I knew my girls would survive. I hope and pray that my girls will be as strong-willed and determined as Joyette and Noy. 

This blog entry was written last month but the championships will be on October 27. If Reymond were alive, he would be finding a way to get to Maui! That's just how he is, that's just how he's built. 

Happy Tuesday! Happy Reading! 

http://thelittleagegrouper.blogspot.com/2013/08/tlags-travel-tips-for-xterra-maui-bound.html?m=1

Curves

My last race before yesterday's Jumblethon was Tri United 1, the race where I lost Reymond. Although yesterday's race was supposed to be 'fun', it really meant a lot to me given all the mixed emotions that came with participating. I was excited to be with my teammates yet scared because I was 'racing' again. I didn't know how I would react to the race conditions.

Good thing I had my teammates with me to keep me company. We lovingly refer to ourselves as the ANST Curves. From the get go, I was told that it would be my race to finish. The Curves would be with me all the way. If I wanted to stop, we would all stop. Gosh, imagine the pressure on me!

We finished the race without a hitch. No one got left behind. We started this race together and we finished it together. What a glorious Sunday!

Thank you for going the distance with me, Curves. I will cherish this 'first' race always.

Darling, I know you expected more from me. I bet you were so upset when I walked during the run. Haha! Despite my perceived lack of aggressiveness, I want you to know that it was done lovingly and sincerely. I want to continue to honor your legacy and I believe this is the best way how. I will never be podium worthy but I will always give it my 100% effort.

Sharing with you the video our teammate Mark did. It is a beautiful story of friendship, love, strength, courage and never leaving anyone behind.

Anna

First it was Rocio. Now it's Anna.

Today I received a most intriguing friend invite and message on FB. It was from Anna, a person I've been stalking on Facebook. Heehee. Stalking eh.

Anyway, I first heard about her from triathlon friends. She is a widow like me. Although the circumstances of her husband's death are very different from Reymond's, we both share the pain from the loss of a loved one. I've always wanted to get in touch with her to talk but was so afraid that talking to me might make her feel pain and hurt all over again. I didn't want to be selfish. It had been more than a year for her and so I wasn't really sure if she would want to talk to another widow whose pain and grief was still so fresh. 

So imagine my surprise when I received that invite and message from her. I was happy. Is it the right emotion? Not too sure about that but it made me smile to see her on my inbox. I wanted so much to reach out to her and then the opportunity presented itself to me. I'm so very lucky she had the guts to reach out to me when I was too chicken to take that chance. 

We have already exchanged a number of messages on FB. As if we were old friends. Strange but I feel so connected to her and somehow, it comforts me. Can't explain why. It just does.

We might finally get to meet at a race on Sept. 22. I am so looking forward to that. We have also earmarked our one on one dinner date at the end of the month. So looking forward to that as well. 

Today is a significant day not only because I found Anna but because it is six months today since Reymond passed away. I'm still standing! And I am making new friends. He would be so proud. 

Almost Paradise

Most of the trips I've taken since March have either been with my family, my children or for work. I've always wanted to get away by myself but was never able to find the opportunity. Up until now.

Good friend Ditas is leaving in October to migrate with her hubby Abner and adorbs son Tino. Coincidentally, it was Reymond who introduced the lovebirds back in 2009. But I digress. 

Anyway, since Ditas is migrating, her bestie Yvette decided to organize a trip for her as a last hurrah before she leaves. We fondly called our adventure #despeditas. 

We were joined by Rizza, Coleen, Maricel and together, we explored the beautiful island of Balesin. It was really one of my best trips ever. I had nothing else to think of but where my next picture should be. Heehee. And what I should wear, where should we eat, what to drink, etc etc. Selfish yet again but sometimes, you need selfish in your life. I think if there's any time to be selfish in my life, now would be a great time. 

Balesin was such a welcome respite for me. I feel so rejuvenated. I can't wait to get back there again. Beautiful island with such beautiful friends = an unforgettable experience.

I know it was your birthday, Reymond, and you should be the one receiving presents but thank you for such a wonderful gift. Thank you for making it all come together for me. Thank you for giving me this alone time. It was a little short of perfect (departure then turn around -- haaaaay) but it came pretty darn close to it. 

I am also so thankful for this opportunity to be with girlfriends in one of the most breathtaking backdrops ever. I cannot say enough about Paradise. Hoping to return again soon. 

42

Reymond was supposed to turn a year older last September 2. He would've been 42. He was strong, fit and so very young. He was at the prime of his life. He had everything to live for and a bright future ahead. We were supposed to start building our dream home. All the plans were done. The Monday after he passed away, we were supposed to go to the bank to finalize our bank loan. Ang dami pa dapat na mangyari pero hindi nangyari. Bakit ganun? I'm left with all this what ifs and what could've been. No matter how much I try to rationalize things, it just goes back to bakit ganun. There is just nothing that can answer my one hundred and one questions, doubts and endless debates in my mind.

I sound so bitter. I really am. Despite all the smiley faces and thumbs up emoticons I display, there really is an emptiness and a void that cannot be filled right now. I guess I just have to ride it out. This too shall pass. And so they say.

Happy Birthday, Reymond. Sorry for being selfish today. I know you're happy where you are but I can't help wishing you were still here with me. You and I -- it just makes so much sense. Me alone -- it's so terribly depressing but it's the reality I have to live with now. 

Despite all my negativity, I know Reymond is smiling down on me. He feels no pain. He is at peace. He is free. He can now swim with the sharks, bike at breakneck speed and run like the wind. That is heaven for him. And who am I to deny him such happiness? 

So despite feeling my usual sluggish self, I set out to run on his special day. It's not something I wanted to do but I knew it made Reymond happy to see me start running again. 

True enough, it felt good to hit that pavement after 6 months of nothingness. I was huffing and panting but I was able to finish my 5km (lame) run without a hitch. I'm actually looking forward to running more. Maybe not as long or as far as I used to but at least enough to feel that wind on my face again. It's when I feel closest to Reymond and so I don't think I can ever really give it up. Nor would I want to. Much to the dismay of my BFF Maja. Heehee. She is rolling her eyes as she reads this.

This Time Last Year

Reymond and I spent his 41st birthday last year in one of our favorite cities ... Hong Kong. It was one of many date trips we had during our marriage. The girls were not with us, we had no family and friends joining us and we also had no set agenda. We only had one objective -- to eat in places we had never been to in the past. Believe it or not, we achieved our goal! All the restaurants we ate at were new to us! Ippudo, Butao, Yardbird, Maxim's (City Hall), Yung Kee, Delicious Kitchen -- I'm salivating as I type! It was a glorious, one of a kind adventure and we really had a grand time. Little did I know, it would be Reymond's last birthday celebration with me.

I'm having that sad realization right now. When Mom asked me to join her for a business trip, I didn't realize that trip would fall on the exact same weekend of Reymond's birthday. I didn't really think things through. I just said yes because I knew Mom couldn't travel by herself. I wanted to be of assistance to her not thinking I would be the one that needed help this weekend. 

She is upset with me right now. My baby brother was trying to be helpful by warning my mom about my emotional state but the whole thing backfired. She asks me why I didn't tell her earlier. How was I to know I would be in such turmoil the day before leaving?

It's really a no-win situation. I'm being asked to make a decision because there is money involved. I wish people would think more about how this is all affecting me instead of how much would be lost if I don't go. 

If Reymond were here, he would hug me and reassure me that everything would be okay. He always had the calming effect on my constant negativity. He could solve any problem, make all my worries go away. But he's not here now and I can't seem to make sense of the situation I find myself in. I'm hurt, confused, disoriented and so very sad. I feel so alone. 

How I wish you were here, Darling. You would make everything alright like you always do. 

I miss you so much. Almost six months and I'm nowhere close to normal. 

Ironman 70.3 Cebu - 2013 edition

Everybody and Anybody I know from the Tri Community is Cebu bound this weekend -- everyone except me.

Reymond was supposed to do the individual event while I was supposed to do the bike relay. Reymond was upset that I was once again doing a relay event albeit a different discipline from the past two relays. I've already completed the 1.9k swim (2010) and the 21k run (2012). It would've been a trifecta for me! Done all the disciplines -- I just haven't done it all together. It was Reymond's dream to have me do the individual. I think about it sometimes but not too often. Haha! There was already one serious triathlete in the family and so I didn't think of getting too serious about the sport. With Reymond's death, everyone around me NOT from the triathlon world is deftly afraid of me joining any races, more so a 70.3 event. Haaaaay. I don't know what the future holds and I really can't tell if I really will have the guts to compete in the individual event anytime soon. Just like Reymond, that remains a dream for me. But imagine, despite what happened to Reymond, I still think about it. Isn't that weird??!! 

In the meantime, this weekend will prove quite stressful for me. A number of Reymond's friends and our close friends will be competing. My brothers also formed a relay team and they will be in Cebu this weekend. Stresssssss.

I've already commissioned my girlfriend Maja to get me drunk on Saturday and make sure I wake up anytime after noon on Sunday. Otherwise, I will be a wreck. Let's wish her luck!!!

Back to Basics

I swam today. It was the first time for me to be back in the water after Reymond. It was so liberating. 2,000 meters and it didn't feel like I was absent for 5 months. Yes, sigh. By August 10, it would've been five months already.

Swimming is actually my first love. When I was younger, I would swim everyday. I would join inter-club and age-group competitions. The water was my second home. But when I developed skin problems, I quit cold turkey. At 14, my skin was more important than swimming. Especially to the boys. LOL. 

Fast forward to 2009. Reymond had already gotten me into cycling which he started doing in 2005. From cycling, he wanted to progress to triathlon. Since he knew I was a swimmer, it was easy to convince me. I just had to learn how to run. He however only knew how to float. He had to swim from scratch! In October of that year, he willed himself to finish the NAGT Speedo Tri despite getting out of the water near last. It was both our first tri. 

By 2010, he was already thinking of Ironman in Camsur but was hesitant about the swim. I was able to convince him na relay muna. "Ok, but who's gonna swim? Hon, will you do it for me?" Sigh. Those of you who know me -- you know I could not refuse Mr. Cruz. So I swam, Reymond biked and my baby brother ran. Thus began his love affair with Ironman. Reymond and my baby brother went on to conquer the individual events in 2011 and 2012 while I was happy simply doing relays and training with him. 

His last race was actually only my second individual triathlon. The first being the pool tri in 2009. All relays in between! TU1 in Subic was my first open water individual tri. Reymond was so excited and anxious. He would've been proud of my finish. 

But I digress. This was supposed to be a swimming post! So yes, close to five months after Reymond's death, I'm back in the water again. Scary but it just feels so right. I feel close to Reymond in the water. It keeps his memory alive. Is that such a bad thing? 

I've recently registered for an open water swim race taking place this September. Haven't told my family and friends. Only my brothers and teammates. Hmmmm. How to tell my daughters. I pray they will understand the need for me to train, to still race despite Reymond's death. 

Reymond, how do I tell the girls? Pls give me strength. 

Mercury Retrograde

When I explained to my girlfriend Mandy all my frustrations yesterday, she mentioned Mercury Retrograde. Had to google this term and when I read about it, Mandy was indeed accurate in her description. When the Planet Mercury is in retrograde (a motion that makes it appear to be going backward), there’s usually much confusion. People forget little things. Delays and frustrations abound. 

It all started with me calling Shangri-la Mactan to cancel the reservation we had for the Ironman Weekend. The Reservations Officer very innocently inquired why I would be canceling such a precious commodity for the weekend and I simply answered that my husband won't be competing anymore. 

This incident led to a whole afternoon of tears. Uncontrollable. Everytime I would think it was over, it just started flowing again. By 6pm that day, the tears mercifully stopped and I was able to go home, have dinner with Alessi, have my one drink and relax by having a massage.

(Photo by Gerrick Suarez)

When I checked Facebook and Instagram, I noticed that my teammate posted a picture of our new uniform. I was giddy! My teammates decided to put a tribute to Reymond by placing his name on the upper right side of the uniform. I couldn't wait to get my hands on the uni! That was until Yvonne texted me otherwise. 

She very carefully explained to me that the suppliers made a mistake and misspelled Reymond's name as REYMUND. 

I know my teammates. They are the most detail oriented people I've seen. They could not have made a mistake on Reymond's spelling. It had to be the supplier -- someone I have no control over. Besides, Reymond is not a sponsor. His name was placed there merely as a tribute to a fallen teammate. It is actually very minor to most people. It's hardly noticeable and it's very easy to just overlook. 

Except that it matters to me and to me alone. I don't have the right to complain. I can't even say anything except I'm hurt, I'm sad and I'm helpless. 

(Photo by Paolo Valdez)

This is Reymond. This is the man my team is paying tribute to. How I wish I could take all the uniforms back and make them re-do it one by one. But I can't. So I will just put it here.

This is my husband. I hope people will not forget, or misspell or mistake him for anyone other than Reymond. 

I have not stopped crying since noon yesterday. I'm so so tired already. My eyes are almost closing because they are so swollen. Please please make the tears stop. I can only take so much. 

Last Friday Night

I almost didn't make it to this dinner because I was feeling miserable over the unsolicited comment of Reymond's good friend. I wanted to just stay home and cry as I did the whole day when I was told that I kept on going out despite the fact that I am a recent widow. But then I thought, why allow this person and the rest of those insensitive people who have made the exact same comment dictate what I should do with my life? I couldn't allow it and so I went out yet again despite the fact that it could open the floodgates for more unsolicited comments on how much 'fun' I was having.

It turned out to be a great evening spent with old college friends and their partners. This group of people all have their flaws and shortcomings. We all do. They however do not judge how I deal with my new status. We have 3 single moms, a widow (ehem), a single dad and a married couple who, despite having a solid relationship, have their own share of ups and downs. We all have our imperfections but thankfully, we can all find solace and comfort in one another. God really has his ways. He knew I was hurting and so he allowed me to bond with these people on this particular night. He knew I needed to be in the company of people who are not judgmental, not righteous, not critical and who could accept the broken me without hesitation.

Reymond, I know you're watching me from above. I know you see me. I know you are proud of me as I am of you. Please continue to protect me. Make me strong. I need to be strong for our children. There are still many years ahead and I need to prepare myself for the long journey. I hope you will keep me safe and sane. I continue to pray for healing and acceptance. I pray that it comes soon.  

On My Own Terms

I received a very disturbing message from a good friend of Reymond. They were inviting me out for dinner but I had to decline because I had already made previous plans with another group. Besides, they cancelled on me days before and so I didn't think they would take it against me if I declined their last minute invite. 

To my horror, Reymond's friend jokingly reprimanded me and said, and I quote, "labas ka ng labas ha." When I explained, he then called me "defensive."I didn't know what to make of this comment. Was he trying to be funny? Was he serious? Or was he just clueless?

Truth be told, he is not the first person to make that comment to me. A number of people have said that I have been going out too often, I pay too much attention to how I look and I have been seen in public regularly since Reymond passed away. These people have made the exact same comment to me and for the first few times, I let it slide. Last comment I received though, I wasn't going to let it slide anymore.

People grieve in different ways. They do whatever it takes to survive their grief and people are not always understanding and accepting of those ways. I enjoy being in the company of my family and friends. I enjoy dressing up and talking fashion with my girlfriends. I especially enjoy eating out in restaurants and going out of town when I can. This was me before Reymond died and I don't see why people are now taking it against me. 

Is it because I'm supposed to look sick? Am I supposed to look like I've been crying the whole day? Am I not supposed to put make up on? Am I not supposed to be seen in the company of friends? Please tell me. I'm a novice and so this is really all new to me. If I am offending any of your sensibilities, you are always free to tell me. But forgive me if I don't take lightly to your comments.

I know how much I love Reymond. I know how much pain his death caused me. I know that I have to live the rest of my life hurting -- maybe not as much as today but the hurt will always be with me. I don't have to remind myself everyday and prove that to anyone by looking the part. I don't need to show anyone my grief by posting pictures of the nights I cry myself to sleep or on the days I just break down over nothing.

I am trying my best to deal with the cards I've been given so please forgive me if you think I am not honoring your friend. You may be hurting as well. We all are. But don't add to our grief by questioning how I am handling his death. You don't know how I grieve. You have no idea how much pain and suffering I am going through. Do not judge me because you have no idea. I grieve as much as you do and maybe even more because I made a vow to love Reymond forever. He was supposed to be with me forever and I'm still coming to terms with his abrupt departure.

So please, please be kind with your words. Please think before you say anything to me -- whether jokingly or not. Your words hurt and I can only handle so much. Don't belittle my efforts. We are all hurting and so we should all just be accepting of one another.  

MELTDOWN

Photo shown here was the set-up during Reymond's funeral mass at PATTS. On that day, for some reason, I did not shed a tear. A number of people found it odd that the widow was still smiling but no tears came on that day. I can't explain why and it still baffles me to this day.

I come to work today to attend the taping of a televised mass which will be shown this Sunday, Father's Day. When I step into the Penthouse, the stage had the exact same set-up sans Reymond's bike and urn. The minute I saw it, tears started falling uncontrollably. I tried my best to stop crying but the tears just kept falling. 

By the time I was supposed to say the prayers of the faithful, I was an absolute wreck. My voice was shaking and the tears still kept falling. I couldn't even read the prayers anymore! Unbelievable. I don't recall ever having a meltdown like that in the past three months. This is the most I've cried -- and it just had to be in the company of 300 strangers/students. Pathetic. I was so angry at myself for losing my composure. 

The rest of the day was spent (doing  nothing else but) crying!!! Wow, it was tiring and I was so emotionally spent. By the end, my eyes were almost closed shut. It was that swollen. :( 

When I got to the car, I cried yet again. I had to concentrate coz I could hardly see the road anymore with my blurry vision. I was just a wreck today. Not my finest hour. 

Dear Lord, please make the tears stop. Reymond, please keep me strong. I can't always be tough, cool and gracious. I guess we all have our off-days. 

Back in Baguio

The week before Reymond passed away, we were in Baguio where Reymond spent three days climbing the roads of Marcos Highway, Ambuklao and Halsema. Photo here shows one of the steep roads he had to traverse in order to complete this ride. It was a glorious 3 days of biking for him and his biking pals and he enjoyed this adventure immensely. He left on a Thursday with our daughters (his visa to leave the house!) but I had to stay on for work until Friday. For the love of Reymond, I rode on a bus to Baguio Friday evening and was able to catch him before his second ride out that Saturday. It was important for me to be there during his rides -- especially one as risky and dangerous as this. After his Xterra accident in October, I swore never to leave him during any of his races. Although this was not a race, its roads and terrain were enough to put me on that bus. I was determined to be there no matter what.

He died the week after this epic Baguio ride. Of course we cannot help it if people have their own opinions about what happened to Reymond. Some say that the stress of the ride the week before was too much and that he was over fatigued. Maybe. I don't know and I don't think anyone can actually say it with certainty. All I know is that he loved Baguio and that I'm sure he was glad to have conquered its roads before he passed away. 

Fast forward to 13 weeks after March 10. My daughter Annika is invited by her CISV Chapter to have a despedida in BAGUIO. I really wasn't too sure how I would react to being there again. I prayed and I asked God for strength and grace. True enough, he heard my prayer.

Good friend Marissa, who is Baguio based, made sure that I would have only good and happy memories on this trip to Baguio. She made the extra effort of making sure I was never in a situation where I would be sad or defenceless. She saved me so much heartache and I'm hoping I can repay her soon. She is my rock in Baguio and I will always keep coming back there because of her. As if that isn't luck enough, my other pal Maggs also lives in Baguio. Both keep me sane and I will always have great memories of Baguio because of them.

It was also my first 'vacation' Post-Reymond. I could not have chosen a better place to unwind. Four days of pure bliss. I was so happy to be free from the stress of work. It also gave me time to just enjoy doing nothing. I absolutely loved this particular trip.

It was great to be back in Baguio.

Tri-Girlfriends

Last night, I had dinner with a special group of women. I call them Reymond's Tri-Angels. Day in and day out, Reymond would pester them for anything tri-related. They were always a constant presence in Reymond's tri-life.

Reymond was always so close to women in general. In the beginning of our marriage, I would get jealous of his closeness but later on, I realized that this was just how he was. He treated his girl friends exactly how he would treat his guy friends. He never saw the difference in gender! Haha! I don't have close guy friends and so I could never understand how he could have close girl friends. But he just did! These ladies are just a few of those that he had. 

To my right is Michelle. She is our teammate and was with us the whole day before Reymond passed away. She is a childhood friend and her hubby Bambi was Reymond's running idol. When she found out about Reymond, she was in disbelief. How could someone who appeared so strong the day before his race die? It was just so impossible for her. We were even trying to convince her to stay and watch us but she and Bambi had to go home to watch their son's game. She may not have been in Subic that day but she has been in constant touch with me since March 10. She is one of the few who I can count on to listen to my random everyday thoughts and not feel like I'm imposing. 

To my left is Tricia. Reymond got close to her and her hubby Guy around 2010. She is Reymond's text pal and phone pal. I swear, he calls Tricia more often than Guy! They love training together, exchanging tri tips and gossip (hehe), comparing nutrition notes or simply  hanging out during races and post-race parties. Despite our relatively new friendship, these two travelled to Hong Kong on a whim last September to spend what would be Reymond's last birthday with us. Such a fun, unforgettable adventure we had -- to be cherished forever! Tricia was at the finish line when she heard of Reymond's passing. I even remember vividly when I saw Guy at the Subic Hospital and how distraught he looked. Sad, sad day. I'm comfortedthough to still have her and Guy as friends even if their pal Reymond is no longer around. 

In white is Lara. Reymond met her the same time she met Tricia and Guy. They would be doing their first 70.3 together in Camsur that year and so they shared a lot of 'firsts' as triathletes. Reymond loved Lara's energy, positivity and all around happy vibe. She was the female version of Reymond! Always game, warm to all and was not afraid to make new friends. Lara was one of the first to reach out to me after he passed. We have been in constant touch since then. In fact, we have been in touch more often than usual nowadays because she is planning to write an article on Reymond. I am so very touched by this gesture. 

Last but not the least is Yvonne. The most taray of them all! Haha! When Reymond started getting close to her, I was not thrilled. I told Reymond, "she never smiles and she hardly talks to me." My gosh, we've come a long way since. Reymond was so dependent on Yvonne for everything. He needed to clear everything with her. Haha! I really cannot stop smiling when I think of how my perception of Yvonne has changed over the years. She is reserved, cautious and wary of strangers. She really chooses who she talks to and hangs out with. So you can just imagine my surprise at how two people with seemingly different personalities can get along so well. But they did! We loved hanging out with Yvonne and her hubby Glenn! We tried our best to convince them to race with us in Subic but it was not meant to be. Yvonne may not have been there with us that day but she has been with me (and looked out for me!)  since March 10. There is not a day that passes that she does not call, text, fb or instagram me.   I am so happy to call her a friend. 

So ain't I the lucky one? Reymond's Tri-Angels are now my dearest, most cherished Tri-Girlfriends. Even after Reymond left me, he made sure I would be surrounded with great friends. Lucky I tell you.

First

Last Saturday, I rode my bike again for the first time since March 10. 

I did 27 kilometers around the village -- that's two loops plus a short visit to Reymond.

I hate to admit it but it actually felt good to be on a bike again. I felt the wind on my face and the whole process came so naturally to me.

It helps too that the bike was Reymond's last gift to me. He got me a SEVEN which is a bike that is made in Boston. His old group set was transferred to my bike and he even got me a compact crank (?) the Thursday before he passed away. It was like he was preparing me for when he would finally leave. He wanted me to have the best bike possible and of course, one that was symbolic of our life in Boston. 

All his bikes have already been disposed of. They were just too expensive to be kept around the house for decorative purposes. It hurt to let them go but it hurt more to see them unused. But my SEVEN, I will never ever dispose of. This is Reymond's legacy to me. I will cherish this bike forever. 

Rocio

Last Tuesday, I met someone who lost her husband too to cardiac arrest. Rocio lost Tomi April last year and she was left to tend to her two teenage daughters. As if that wasn't enough, eight days before Rocio lost Tomi, she lost her mother to cancer.

I am floored by the two tragedies Rocio was faced with last year. How could she have survived such devastating loss one after the other? 

She tells me it wasn't easy. In fact, she could hardly take care of herself. She went through all the phases of grief -- twice over! She questioned her faith and she questioned even more how her God could've allowed such tragedy to befall her. 

This was only April last year. Today, Rocio has recovered from her grief. She is positive and optimistic of what life has to offer her. She is moving to Australia to start a new life and she is so excited about the endless possibilities that are now open to her and her daughters. She is happy once again. 

I am in awe of her! I want to be her this time next year!!! 

She tells that I shouldn't rush things. I need to go through this pain, accept it, then move on from it. But of course, all this takes time. 

Rocio told me that I need to keep the faith. I need to believe that I will be in a better place. I shouldn't lose hope. 

These are the words I hang on to. I believe I will be better. I believe God has plans for me. I believe I can get through this. I believe. 

Thank you Lord for introducing me to Rocio. I believe everything happens for a reason. No coincidences. Right Maja? 

13

(Photo here was taken during our honeymoon in May 2000. We spent 7 glorious days discovering Kauai, the Big Island and Oahu. What great memories we made!)

It should've been our 13th wedding anniversary today. I should be waking up beside Reymond and planting a big kiss on him and giving him a tight hug (that's if he hadn't escaped yet to sneak in a bike ride or a long run!). We should be celebrating with our children and our extended family. I shouldn't be grieving for you, Darling. I'm still having such a hard time accepting my fate.

I met Reymond in 1996 at the birthday party of my good friend VP. He was with his girlfriend then and I was going out with someone else. There was no initial attraction. In fact, the only time he paid attention to me was when he found out I was a law student. Other than that, no sparks flew and we went about our lives after that fateful day.

Fast forward to 1998. I was still going out with someone but he was already single after his seven year relationship ended. He asked VP and her boyfriend Jingo (now hubby!) if he could go out with me. Both refused but for those who know Reymond, he remained undeterred. He started calling me, making excuses to see me and was making himself very visible at parties and functions of our mutual friends. I was very flattered by all the attention but I still wasn't sure about this man who was not bothered at all by the fact that I was in a relationship. In fact, he offered me marriage without even asking me to be his girlfriend! His explanation was since I already had a boyfriend, I probably didn't need another one. He said he was offering me marriage because he says my boyfriend then didn't have the guts to offer me that. The nerve, right? All my family and friends said he was psycho (haha!) but why wasn't I running away? Why was I still entertaining him?

Come mid 1999, it was just too difficult to resist this man's charm. I fell fast and hard and in one short year, I broke up with my then boyfriend, got together with him, got engaged and then got married. Not the most ideal beginning and a lot of people were wary of my decision but I persisted. I had no regrets then and I still believe that despite everything that has happened, marrying him was the best decision I ever made.

Mom always wondered why Reymond was in such a hurry. In a hurry to marry me, in a hurry to do so many things at one time, in a hurry to fix things .... just generally, in a hurry!

Now we understand. His time here with us was so short. He needed to do so many things so that he could fulfill his life's purpose and mission before his death. 

As I said, I still have a hard time accepting and grasping things but I continue to pray for God's healing hand. 

Happy Anniversary, my Love. You are no longer with me now but I continue to pray for our family. Please watch over me and the girls. I miss you so much, especially today. I love you, Darling. 

Too much of a coincidence ...

Last Monday evening, I was at the wake of our family friend. Lola Maria Dumlao is not related to us by blood but she, her husband Lolo Rey and my paternal grandparents have been friends since the 1930s and that friendship has spanned four generations already.

I met her grandson whose name happened to be Reymond. Same spelling! He also had a shaved head and was he was asking me about the nearest pool he could swim at the next day. Apparently, Reymond the Grandson is preparing for his first Ironman 70.3 race at Honu, Big Island in Hawaii this coming June 1.

Meeting him and hearing all this made me smile. Maybe my Reymond is telling me that despite death, life goes on. We should all find a way to move forward. Easier said than done but I believe anything is possible.

My good friend Maja says there is no such thing as a coincidence. I tend to agree. :)

NOTE: The next evening, I chance upon our old trusty Pajero in an obscure area in Makati and it even had a bike rack attached to it. Oh Reymond, are you afraid I will forget you? That is not possible, my Darling.You are in my heart always and forever.

What was it that Maja said again? :)

In Memoriam

Good Samaritans Joy, Cai and Betsy visited the spot where Reymond collapsed during his last race. They were in Subic last weekend for the Subic International Triathlon. It's the next race to be held in Subic since Reymond's accident last March. 

I promised myself that I would not look at any pictures or updates on the race last weekend because it just took too much from me. Reymond was supposed to join the race last weekend and because it was held in Subic, it really just pushed all the wrong buttons in my system. 

But after seeing this picture, my heart melted. I am so deeply moved by their gesture of love and respect for Reymond. May God bless their soul and their spirit. I am so touched. Happiest tears.

I was telling my friend Yvonne, how can I ignore Subic? How can I even avoid it? My whole life is in Subic. It's just too difficult to detach myself from the place, my tri friends and the sport itself. I just prayed for strength and grace and again, God was generous. 

I love you, Reymond. I miss you everyday. It will never be okay but today is always better than yesterday. 

Be Inspired

Who You Are

I'm so inspired by this song performed by American Idol Contestant Angie Miller. Please click on link above.

The original was sung by Jessie J.

The song took the words right out of my mouth ...

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing Everybody's bruising Just be true to who you are

California Dreamin'

I dreamt about Reymond for the first time. We were in LA for a race ( as usual). We stayed in a really nice hotel downtown. We stayed in one suite with our friends Joy and Cai. Right before the race, he did some activity that you're suspended in air, pulling on a rope to get from one end to the other. It started from a cliff and ended on the balcony outside our suite. My girlfriend Maja was with him! She finished it with ease but Reymond had a hard time. He had bruises and cuts all over his hands.

On our way to the race, we were told that a racer died. The convoy of the hearse and their relatives even passed us.

I was begging Reymond not to race but he just smiled and said "I have to."

He was wearing his yellow cab biking jersey during that activity suspended in air and on the way to the race.

I was not sad. Maybe more accepting of what happened. I felt he was trying to put me at ease. Telling me I could not have done anything. It was going to happen no matter what.

Run for Reymond

Reymond's brothers in law and tri friends came up with the idea of having a Run to honor him on the 40th day after his death. As devout Catholics, this day is big for us and we usually commemorate this by having a mass and serving food after. In this case, we gathered Reymond's closest tri, run and bike friends and held a morning run serving breakfast afterwards.

In the pic below, baller IDs in Bright Yellow ( he loved bright, neon colors! ) were given out to all the runners. IRONMON is a term of endearment given to him since his nickname is Mon ( only to his friends -- I still call him Reymond ) and his obsession was to race IronMan races. 

My youngest brother Paolo led us in prayer to start the event. Seen here are members of the Team Bike King, Clear Sabak, Polo Tri, ANST and representatives of Speedo. On the far left is Coach Anthony Lozada. Reymond did not know how to swim in 2009. He couldn't even finish a 25m lap without standing up in the middle of the pool to spit out all the water he swallowed. Coach taught him how to swim and I think he did a pretty good job for someone who couldn't swim at all when he attempted his first triathlon in 2009. Coach also trained me and my brother Dondi when we did our Ironman swim relay events in 2010 and 2011 respectively. Lozada Loyalists kami! Haha! Even if we swim with different coaches now, Anthony will always have a special place in our hearts.

We had about 100 runners on the road. It was a proud moment for me. I was so touched by all these people who gathered for Reymond on an early Saturday morning just to show support for me and the girls. Truly heartwarming.

The church on the foreground is the St. James Parish inside Ayala Alabang. Reymond's ashes are kept in a crypt inside the Church. It was so fitting that the end of the Run passed through this Church. In fact, some of the runners even visited his crypt before ending their run. 

Our Army Navy South Tri Team all wore shirts in honor of Reymond. I'm so proud to be part of such a great team. They are family to me and I will forever be grateful to them for their support, their friendship and their love. 

I smiled so much yesterday. As you can see, I was picture crazy! It was such a joyous event and I just felt so much love for Reymond. How could I not smile? : ) 

Beloved Boston

Reymond lived in Boston for three months last 2010. I followed him there for two weeks and those were the best two weeks of our life. We lived like newlyweds and we discovered every part of that city. We fell in love with Boston. In fact, we fell in love all over again there. We swore we would one day go back to bring our girls there. We also dreamed of one day running in the historic Boston Marathon. Impossible to qualify but hey, everyone is free to dream.

This morning, I woke up to the most horrific news. Two bombs exploded as the Boston Marathon was ongoing. How can this tragedy be allowed to happen?!? So senseless, so heart wrenching, so impossibly hard to understand. 

My heart goes out to the people of Boston, the runners, the spectators, the medics and the police who put their own lives at risk and to everyone who is in Boston right now. I pray for your safety and I pray for the survival of those hurt by this terrible, terrible incident.

A special prayer goes out to the family of Martin Richard, the 8-year old boy who died at this event. Martin was running towards his father Bill who was about to finish the race when the bomb went off. His mother is also fighting for her life as she suffered a brain injury while his little sister lost her leg. Martin's father is physically unscathed but this event will forever scar this family. I pray for physical and emotional healing for this family. Please Lord, help this family survive this tragedy. 

We Believe

Reymond's good friend and teammate made this video for him and it was shown during the 9th day of his novena (Please click on title post above).

What a moving tribute to my husband which I will cherish forever.

Thank you, Mel and Liza. Thank you.

Where It Happened

A friend was in Subic yesterday and so I asked her to take a picture of the spot where Reymond collapsed.

I never actually saw it but I always had a vague idea of where it happened. 

I've been meaning to go back to Subic and visit the place. Maybe one day soon I'll gather enough strength to head back. Maybe. 

Month-stone

Yesterday was a month since Reymond passed away. I survived the awful, dreadful day.

Feel bad though that I had to back out of a party a friend of mine threw for her daughters and another friend's birthday dinner. I had no strength to go out and put up a happy face. 

But I feel better today. I hope it gets better as the days go by.

How are you today, Reymond? Getting ready for a long run tom.? The girls finally allowed me to exercise ... in June!!! Funny girls.

In the meantime, I am beginning to get sluggish and lazy. I really hope to get back into shape soon. 

When I thought about you today, I actually smiled. I'm so tired of crying. I hope there will come a point in time when I will always smile and never have to cry when I think of you.

Gone Too Soon ... Again

Yesterday, my old friend Theresa lost her battle with cancer. She was 40 years old. Same age as me. She leaves behind a husband and two young children.

It pains me to see another one die at such a young age. It pains me as well that she left behind a family that will need a lifetime to get over such a devastating loss.

You can't help but question why. Why. The answers may never come. I will forever wonder why.

Dear Theresa, you are no longer in pain. We may have lost you but you will remain an inspiration to those you left behind.

Please watch over us.

If you ever see Reymond, give him a hug and a kiss from me.

Thank You, Rick Reyes and Princess Galura

I had two minor victories (excuse the term -- can't think of a better one) today.

I wrote to two organizations yesterday requesting for a refund of the race registration fee Reymond paid for races he intended to join this year. 

The first is the Subic Internation Triathlon to be held this April 28, 2013. Mr. Rick Reyes of the Triathlon Association of the Philippines wrote me back almost instantly and told me that there would be no problem. In fact, the money will be delivered to me today. My request was acted upon swiftly and without much documents or protocol required.

This first picture on the left is Reymond finishing SUBIT last year. So so proud of him.

The second letter I wrote to is to Ms. Princess Galura of Sunrise Events who will be handling the Ironman 70.3 Race to be held in Mactan, Cebu on August 4, 2013. Not only was her reply faster than Mr. Reyes, she even made the dollar deposit almost simultaneous to her email response. In fact, the money is already in my account. All in less than a day. She also did not require any documents nor was any unnecessary protocol demanded. 

The second picture on the left shows Reymond finishing his second 70.3! His first was in Camsur in 2011 and the second was in Cebu in 2012. I am and will always be in awe of my husband. Reymond will forever be my Strong Ironman!

Thank you again to these two individuals who acted so swiftly considering loss of money is involved in both transactions.  

I mean really, they were very very sensitive to my plight which is more than I can say about the organizers and sponsors of the last race Reymond joined. The way Unilab Activehealth and Bike King handled my situation at Tri United 1 has left much to be desired. I don't want to sound bitter and angry and so I will just stop there. But really, you people should take sensitivity lessons because you really handled that situation poorly.

Bali High

The last date trip Reymond and I took was in Bali, Indonesia last January 2013. 

We love our children so much and we take them everywhere BUT Reymond and I always made sure that we had time for one another. This is the reason we take date trips  at least once a year. I think it's very important for couples to have alone time. I feel it's necessary for a good and healthy marriage.

I was so hesitant to take this particular trip because we were supposed to build our house this year. I'm so glad Reymond persisted (as usual!) and he found a way to convince me to go. He always does!

In this picture, he's looking up to the heavens. He was probably checking out their race routes and accommodations.

What are you up to today?